I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
