Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
