I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
