final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
