Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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