look no pants
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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