you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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