mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
