She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
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I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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