I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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