I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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