I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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