i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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