We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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