Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
