You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
