Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
