It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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