Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
