Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
