just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
