I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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