where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
