Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
