I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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