best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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