good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
