Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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