There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
