The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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