So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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