we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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