you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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