So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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