hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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