Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
