Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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