Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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