i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
