in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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