Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
