i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
