morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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