im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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