You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
