if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
