oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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