I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
