just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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