why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
