I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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