And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
