She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
