Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
