your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
