you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
