you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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