Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
