I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
