I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
