I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
